SAMAD SHIKHI - MY HOUSE

- I will take a vacation when you come. A friend of mine has a house in the woods. I will take the keys. “We shall go”, – Adil said.  

It would be another two months before Sabir comes back from the military. He was  sent to the military after graduating. It was the fourth  month of his service in  Karabakh, along line of contact.  

- Adil, send me twenty manats with the same postal service.  

- Ok. I will send it tomorrow on the way.  

- Or… Better, send twenty-two. The guy who brings money from the post office now  takes two manats from every order. He also took two manats from the last  twenty manats you sent. 

- Bastards! Ok, I will send 22 

Sabir looks at the screen of his phone. 

- My battery will die soon, goodbye. 

- Goodbye, take care. 

Sabir hung up the phone and looked at his surroundings. He walked a long way without paying attention. He looked around himself but couldn’t find his way back. He found himself in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by trees from all sides. 

- Where is this place? - he murmured to himself  

- He pulled up his phone to call his comrade, but the power went out. 

Even though mobile phones were prohibited during service, there were some secretly in use. Commanders knew about it, but they didn’t bother about it. 

- What will I do now? Sabir tried to hide but it was obvious that he was scared. Although he had a weapon on him, he didn’t know what he would face, or who would come out of the woods. On top of that, he wasn’t a professional soldier to  begin with, so he wasn’t well-prepared for this. He  tried to remember what he'd been instructed to do in this sort of a situation.  

He tried to guess from which direction he came from and started heading in that direction. He had been constantly told “to watch his step,” but this was the first time he applied it in a practical situation. He was examining his surroundings carefully, like an explorer in American films. He sensed that there was some movement ahead. He readied his weapon and continued. He felt his leg trembling as he stepped forward. Whoever it was, they had to be alone. No one was to be seen in the area. Sabir looked around carefully and started to get closer. As he got closer, he realized that he was not facing a soldier. He started planning to ask that person for directions. 

- Stop. Don’t move – he wasn’t sure why he was shouting in Azerbaijani. He thought that if the person was Armenian, then they wouldn’t understand him. The person was a woman standing at around 165 cm tall. She turned to Sabir and smiled. Although this scared Sabir, he pointed a weapon to her and tried to  display his dominance. The woman saw that the weapon was aimed at her and she turned serious.  

- Now tell her what you want – Sabir thought to himself. Azerbaijan, “hara”, “Где?” “Where?” – he started using his hands to communicate.  

Woman began smiling again. 

- You can talk in Azerbaijani, I know it “Azərbaycanca danışa bilərsən. Bilirəm.”

Sabir didn’t know if he should be happy or worried that this woman knows  Azerbaijani.  

He understood that the weapon was scaring her, so he wanted to put it down. Yet, he still couldn’t trust her. He lowered his weapon just a bit, but still held it in position.  

- Are you Azerbaijani?

- No, I just know your language. What are you doing here? - Are you Armenian? 

- You can find no one but Armenians here, be sure about that. 

- I… I lost my way and came to this side. My battery is dead so I can’t  communicate with my comrades. How can I go back? 

- I don’t know how you came to this side, but going back will not be easy. You can’t find your way in the dark, you should wait until morning. 

- He… here? – Sabir looked around and tried to figure out how he’d spend the night.

The Woman was looking at Sabir.  

- Come with me. 

- Where? – Sabir asked. 

- Don’t you want a place to stay for the night? 

- But… he didn’t know what to do and he was scared. He couldn’t tell the woman that he  was afraid that she would give him to the soldiers. Maybe she genuinely wanted to  help him, but asking about that wouldn’t be appropriate. 

- Don’t worry. Come! 

Sabir agreed and started following the woman. 

- “My name is Elena, what is yours?” 

- “Mmmm, Sabir. – he didn’t want to say his own name, but he trusted the woman and told the truth.”

- I am glad to meet you. 

- Where did you learn Azerbaijani?  

- In Baku. My father lived in Baku. My grandfather lived in Baku. You may ask  where he came from. I don’t know, maybe from nowhere. 

- I did not have such an intention.  

- It was a joke, don’t worry.  

Sabir was a little behind the woman, but he caught up to her and they started walking  side-by-side.  

- How will I go back tomorrow? 

- I will show you the way.  

- Show me the way now!  

- Are you afraid that I will give you to other soldiers? 

- How can I lie… - Sabir smiled to the woman. He was scared, and he knew that that it showed.

Elena walked without saying anything.  

- How far is it?

- We are nearly there. But we should be careful. 

- Would someone see us?

- Да. People might not act like me. You can’t find a house without grief here. - Then why are we fighting, don’t we want to end the war? - You are the ones that continue. If you let us, we will live in peace. 

Sabir wanted to continue, but he thought his words might upset the woman. If she  got really upset, she might report him.  

Elena was walking and Sabir was following her. Walking in the woods was terrifying for him, but Sabir thought that this was for security and comforted himself in that thought.  

- Wait here, I am coming – Elena stopped at the nearby tree. - Where are you going?  

- I need to pick something up from a neighbour. Wait, I will come. Look around, there is no one here. 

Though Elena was old, her steps were sharp and big. She crossed the road, knocked on her neighbor’s door and went inside. 

Sabir began trembling in fear. Maybe she understood that she couldn’t fight with him  alone, so she went to get backup. Why did I even come? – He thought about running back they way he came from. He had memorized his steps from that point so  that he could at least go back to where he met the woman. Should he go back? Althought he thought that would be more logical, he held his hope that Elena would do him  no harm.  

The woman was coming to him with small steps.  

- Come – She said and looked around. But hide the weapon and be quiet! Sabir tried to hide the weapon under his clothes. 

The woman stood by the door, looked around, made sure that no one was  following them, opened the door and pushed Sabir inside. Again, she looked  around and entered inside.  

Arpi, watching Sabir enter the house with a weapon, shouted in fear. She pushed herself to the wall and stood still. Sabir didn’t know what to do, so he decided to wait for Elena to come in. He told her not to shout with signs. Elena heard her granddaughter’s scream and asked her to stay quiet. Sabir didn’t understand  anything. He only understood that Arpi was afraid and wanted Sabir out of the  house. The grandmother was trying to convince her. The word “saldat” was  enough for Sabir to understand that the conversation was about soldiers. He  was caught between fire. He was waiting silently to see which side would win. He started planning about what he would do if the grandchild won. Elena should accompany him for at least half of the way.  

Arpi calmed down and sat on the armchair. The hatred to Sabir could be seen from  her eyes. She would kill Sabir in a heartbeat if he had his weapon. But it wasn’t clear if it was hatred or fear.  

Arpi was Elena’s granddaughter. After her father’s death she came here with her mother, but her mother had to move again to find a job. Arpi was supposed to move after she started university, but she still went to stay with her grandmother when there  

were no lessons. She was with her grandmother when the war started. They had to  move away during the war, but came back after things calmed down. Arpi was nineteen years old.  

- Take off your shoes and sit down. – Elena ordered Sabir. When Sabir took off his  shoes and entered the house, Elena stopped him and opened his hand. She pointed to the gun and looked at Sabir.  

- You may take it when you leave. 

Sabir took the ammunition and handed the weapon to Elena.  

- Countries always use the same type of guns in war, do you know why? – She  didn’t even listen as he continued – because you can use your enemy’s bullets when you run out of your own. If I ever want to do something to you, bullets 

wouldn’t be a problem. – Elena was seemingly upset with Sabir’s  behavior. 

Sabir realized that he was being disrespectful. He tried to explain what he wanted, but couldn’t find the words. He offered the ammunition too, but Elena didn’t take  it and left the gun outside.  

Sabir was left alone with Arpi. He sat across from her and relaxed. - Adapter yes?  

Arpi didn’t answer, she was just staring. Then Elena came, he looked at Sabir with  a smile. “Have you eaten anything?” 

- Thank you, I am not hungry. 

- You will go and say I didn’t even eat Armenian food when you go back – she said and hinted at Arpi. – Arpi said something and remained motionless. Elena went to the kitchen by herself. 

- When I was young it was impossible not to listen to your elders. Nowadays, the the new generation is different.  

- I can help you.  

- I went to a Turkish home once. After we ate, they put our plates aside. Back then, I wasn’t aware, but your people were separating our plates saying they were “impure”. I hope you don’t have such a problem. Orr, do you? – Elena smiled. 

Sabir stood up and went after her and brought the plates.  

They heard the door knocking. Arpi stood up and looked at her grandmother. Elena  straightened her face. Arpi again said something in Armenian. Elena signaled to her to be patient. – Go with her. 

- I… i… 

- Do what I say. 

Sabir followed Arpi.

Arpi takes Sabir to her room and  signaled him to stay still with his hand. Who was knocking? – he started thinking. Then he remembered his shoes. It was in front  of the doors. If someone come in, they would see it.  

The person knocking was their neighbor, Sarkis.  

- Hi, pardon me for disturbing at this hour.  

- No worries, harevan. 

- I saw someone in military uniform in your yard. I wanted to ask if you have a guest or someone else. 

- No. You saw wrong. Neither do we have a guest, nor have I seen someone in the yard. I was at the yard just recently.  

- I was sure I saw someone. Maybe it was someone who walked past here. - Probably. Thank you for checking. 

- Let me know if anything happens. Part of me will be here. 

Elena nodded, smiled and walked him out.  

She closed the door and went inside. Arpi went back and looked around. After  checking, she went back to her room and told Sabir to come with a hand gesture. Sabir got  his first chance to look at her after his arrival. Arpi noticed Sabir looking at herand quickly turned around and left the room. Sabir followed her.

- He saw you entering. I convinced him there are no soldiers here. We should be  more careful.  

- Do you have a charger for my phone? – Sabir took out his phone. It was a simple  phone.  

- Don’t even think about turning on your phone. We will be in trouble because of  you.  

Sabir realized Elena was right and put the phone back in his pocket. The day wouldn’t be short, he understood that.  

- Have you finished university? 

- Yes. I studied teaching. I am a Geography teacher. 

- I don’t like Geography. It always puts borders between us. I have also been a  teacher. A history teacher. I was teaching in the school before, but I left. The  commute is hard. My age and my life have left no energy in me. I just teach Edik now. I  am with him in my free time. 

- Who is Edik? 

- He is the son of the person who came. He stepped on a mine. Luckily, he survived, but he lost both legs.  

Sabir didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t show that he was upset.  

Elena came from the kitchen holding two plates. There were xangal in one of the plates.  

- Do you like “qurud”? 

- You have qurud?

- Is it impossible? – she smiled. 

- I didn’t know you eat qurud. I am surprised. 

- This is your first time in an Armenian household, right? - Yes. 

- Then how could you know if we have it or not? 

- You are right. I didn’t think of it that way. 

- My Turkish neighbor made delicious food. I learnt a lot from him. He was Georgian. He taught me how to make Qurud. Although we also have it, it was my first time trying  it.  

- Xangal also? 

Elena smiled. – But I cooked it. So, it means that anyone can cook, regardless of  who owns it. Just like you living in lands that you claim belong to you.  

- Would you choose to live in Baku or stay here if you had a choice? 

- It is a hard question. Moving to Baku and living there would be hard. It is true  that the majority of my life was spent there, but I am not sure whether I can start a  new life there after what I have been through. I remember going to 26s on foot, I would say no one knows Baku better than me.  

- What about here? 

- It was hard in the beginning. I was an urban person; I wasn’t used to such places. What we have been through impacted us a lot. Don’t think life is heaven here. We  are citizens of a non-existent country. Even our existence here depends on  others. All the Hays are looking after their own. No one likes us, especially if you  are from Baku.

There was a moment of silence. Arpi was angry because she didn’t understand  what they were talking about. 

- But now, this place is home to me. If I had to choose, I would choose to stay. 

- Who do you think is guilty, us or you? Who is guilty for what you have been through? 

- There are no innocent side in a war. Sarkis, for example, thinks that you are  responsible for his son. It doesn’t matter who among you - any “Turk”. 

- You imagine us to be Turks. – Sabir smiled. 

- They reminded us that we were Armenians back then. We separated ourselves as  Baku citizens. Being a Turk, Armenian, jew or a Russian was non-existent for us back  then. We either spoke in Azerbaijani or Russian.  

- Yes. My father had an Armenian co-worker. He always says that they never had any Armenian-Azeri disputes in those times. It all started afterwards. They cut ties. 

- That’s a pity. You are lucky not to have witnessed those times. Otherwise, you would not only justify the hatred, but would also be part of the problem. 

- You are right. But it is too late for us as well. 

- Yes. We shouldn’t have made this mistake for the second time. Everything would  have been forgotten by now. 

- I have relatives in Russia, they say that there is no conflict there. They work  together, befriend each other. Only after they cross the border everything  becomes like it is. 

- Yes. It is like this. We are friends outside, but we become dogs and cats in the Caucasus.

Sabir didn’t say anything and continued eating.  

After the meal, he sat on an armchair. Elena was in the kitchen. Arpi on the other  hand was watching Sabir closely so that he wouldn’t leave her sight. At first it was disturbing for Sabir, but eventually he grew fond of it. She had sweet eyes.  

Sabir got bored of sitting and looked at the bookshelves. Arpi said something, but Sabir indicated with his head that he doesn’t understand her. “Speak English” – He  said. – The books you are looking at are in Armenian. There are no pictures in them. 

Sabir wanted to make Arpi angry, but he didn’t know what to do. He just placed the books back in their place. 

Elena entered the room and saw Sabir looking at the books – I also had books in Azeri. I brought some of them with me when I came, but they grew old, their pages got torn.  

- If I knew I was coming I would bring some with me.  

- Maybe you will have a chance to come back again.  

Sabir answered with a smile. He didn’t imagine coming back at any time in the  future. He didn’t believe in the possibility of peace. He couldn’t predict how the conflict would end. Maybe it would never end. 

- I can’t read the Latin script. I ask Arpi to open new books to read new writers and  follow the news. Also, I am old, looking at a screen for a long time is tiring. Trying to speak the language is also becoming harder. I haven’t used it in a long time – It was obvious from her  speech; she would sometimes forget what she wanted to say and think about it for a  long time. She tried to construct grammatically correct sentences. Even though  most Baku Armenians were Russian-speaking, it could be seen that Elena had studied Azeri at an advanced level. 

Sabir looked at the watch on the wall.  

- You will sleep in my place. I will make your bed after cleaning the table.

- No, no. I will sleep here. Don’t worry.  

- Not happening. You are a guest. 

- Please. Don’t make me. What you have done is hospitable enough. I don’t want  to make you lose your place. He even wanted to lay down and scream “No force can move me from here”. 

Elena smiled.  

- Ok.  

Arpi laughed at Sabir. Her gloomy glance was replaced by laughter. Though Sabir  was used to her gloominess, he noticed that her smile was also beautiful. Turning his face, he realized that Elena noticed that his eyes were fixed on Arpi. He turned red from shame.  

Elena stood up, cleaned the table and brought sheets and a blanket for Sabir.  - If you are uncomfortable or need anything, just let me know. 

- Thank you very much. It is good. 

- Take off your clothes. We will not enter the room.  

- I am cosy this way. I am used to sleeping in uniform in the military. 

- Your job is tough. Hope you will go back to your home in one piece. 

Elena and Arpi went to their own rooms and left Sabir alone. After waiting a bit, Sabir wanted to get up and change his clothes, but he decided that it was not a good idea, so he only took off his shirt. He wanted to make sure his clothes were clean before he lied down. Lying there, the thoughts that occupied his mind didn’t let him sleep. What would I do tomorrow? Let’s say I manage to cross the border somehow, what would I tell my commander? Would they believe me if I said that I lost my way and waited till morning? Or should I tell the truth? But it could get me in trouble. It’s best to keep it a secret. 

Sabir noticed a dark shape in the window. He looked at it attentively, but thought it  was nothing. He didn’t want to sleep, but also needed some rest. He wanted to set himself up so that he could sleep lightly. Suddenly he felt Arpi entering the room. Sabir stood up and got ready on a whim, but saw it was Arpi and sighed. Sabir’s behavior scared Arpi. Sabir was afraid that she would be scared, but gestured that everything is okay with his hand. Arpi showed him that she went to get  water and smiled at Sabir. Then she went and brought some water for Sabir. Later, seeing that Sabir was still awake, she said “холодильник,” “konyak,” leaving the bottle there for him. Sabir wanted to tell her not to go, but he was too shy and didn’t know how to say it. After Arpi went to her room, Sabir drank some of the konyak she had left behind. Though he wasn’t much of a drinker, he occasionally took a few shots with his friends. Now, as he was filling up his glass for a third time, he had a sudden craving for chocolate. He couldn’t find any, so he closed the fridge and drank it by itself. It was a very strong drink. He felt something moving. He felt he could sleep easily now. He  wanted to leave the room, but he turned back, washed the glass and put it back to its  place.  

The drink made him sleep like a rock until morning. In the morning, he woke up to Elena shaking him and telling him it was time to go. She made something for Sabir to take with him for the road. Sabir looked at his watch, it was 5:45. After Elena inspected outside the house, she called Sabir. Sabir’s glances caught Arpi’s eyes and he said goodbye in Azeri. Arpi smiled and said goodbye, also in Azeri. She was seeing Sabir off with a smiling face, unlike last night when she was hostile toward him. They handed Sabir his weapon and, together, they began walking in the woods. Sabir was relieved. Soon he would be free without getting caught. They had been walking for a while, when, out of nowhere, they heard a voice: “stop, you filthy Turk.” Elena saw Sargis with a rifle in his hand as she turned  the other way. She  started shaking. Elena, who was a beacon of courage, was trembling in front of  Sabir’s eyes. 

- Sarkis! What are you doing? 

- What are you doing? You are keeping a Turk in your house, feeding him, and now dropping him off. Are you a traitor? I saw someone going inside yesterday. I thought it was a relative, I believed you when you said there was no one. Then when I saw the boots outside, I knew you were up to something.
 

They were talking in Azeri. Perhaps this was so that  Sabir would  understand, or perhaps it came naturally to them.  

- I will tell you everything. Let the boy go. I will explain. 

- Let him go??? I have the chance of avenging Edik and my countless brothers, why would I ever let him go?  

- This boy is not responsible for Edik. You know that!.  

- But he is the enemy and wears the enemy’s  uniform. Tomorrow they will come to kill us, as they have before. 

- Sarkis…  

- I wouldn’t expect this from you. But I am not judging, after all your blood is one  and the same. They were your neighbors. You are used to living with them. You found one and immediately took him to your house and fed him. 

Sabir pointed his weapon to Sarkis. Since Sarkis’s eyes were fixed on Elena, he didn’t notice this.  

- Lower your weapon. I don’t want to do anything to you, so don’t make me.  

Sabir then remembered that the safety is on, but he hid this fact and kept the best poker face he could.  

- These are our lands. Even if you kill me, you will not escape. Elena would be a  traitor for you as well. 

He was right, Sabir couldn’t put Elena in danger.  

- Then let her go, let only two of us stay. 

- She can go. 

- No, I will not go anywhere until both of you lower your weapons. Either you will  kill me first, or you will listen to me. Otherwise – she pulled a pistol from her  pocket and pointed first to Sargis and later to Sabir. 

- It's starting to look like a cowboy movie. – Sarkis started laughing. – No, this turk  will die, or will be given to the soldiers. 

- How old were you when you came here? – Elena asked Sargis. - About Edik’s age. What is the point of this question? 

- I brought you up just like Edik. If you have any respect for me, listen to me. If  you want to kill each other, you can do it later. It’s not something you will never do and I will not interfere. 

- Lower your weapon. – Sarkis looked at Sabir and demanded that he lower his weapon. 

- Lower yourself, I will not.  

- I don’t trust a Turk. 

Sabir wanted to say, “and I don’t trust an Armenian”, but he remembered that  Elena who was standing by them was also an Armenian and looked at her. After  Elena said – lower your weapon – he listened to her and lowered his weapon. Elena pointed to Sarkis – you too.  

Sarkis lowered his weapon, but he was looking at Sabir to shoot immediately. 

- He crossed the road yesterday and couldn’t go back because it was dark. I helped  him because he was alone in the woods. I promised him that I would let him pass the border unharmed. If you do anything to him, you would be chewing my words. 

He also didn’t do anything yesterday and behaved like a guest. Now either go out  of my way or start with me if you want to kill. 

- Let them come and kill us during a war and become our guests after that.  

- You know who is responsible for the dead people. No one comes here because they want  to. I came here to live here. I had no other choice. 

- But I have always been here. My father has been here. My grandfather has been here. This land is mine. They come and tell us to leave.  

- If someone tells you this, tell it to them. Have you heard it now?
- Let me take the gun from his hand, see how he will be afraid. He trusts his weapon.

- Do you think I am afraid of you? – Sabir shouted. If you want to kill, kill! – He  threw his weapon to the ground.  

- Well – Sabir raised his weapon.  

- Lower it – Elena said.  

There was a  moment of silence. They were looking at each other without saying anything for a whole minute. 

- I have a condition. – Sarkis said. 

- What is it? 

- I will take the “Cолдат”.  

- No. I know what you will do. 

- I promise. I just want to make sure he will go away, leave our lands. We will talk a little on the way… 

- Have a chat now, then we will go.  

- I promise you. I will not kill him, nor will I take him to the soldiers. I will just take him to the border. We will talk along the way. I will not touch him, as long as he doesn’t intend to do something sneaky.  

- Then I will also come. – Elena said. 

- No need. I have given you enough trouble. I don’t want to cause any more trouble, I will go.  - If we continue talking, they will jail us all.  – Sabir said. 

- Go. I will take him to the border and come back. I will not do anything. I promise. I swear to Edik’s soul. 

Elena wanted to believe Sargis, but she couldn’t overcome the fear in her heart. Yet, time was not waiting for anyone.  

- Ok, but… - Elena looked. Then she  picked up the machine gun  from the ground, unlocked the safety, and handed it to Sabir. – I am listening. If I hear a gunshot from either of you, or if I find out you did anything stupid without a weapon, your death will be by my own hands. 

Sabir took the weapon and looked at Elena. He smiled and wondered how he could thank her. He wanted to hug her, but he feared she might not want to, so he bowed down and thanked.  

- Thank you for everything you have done for me. And also, for the Xangal. 
- Come again. I will make you Armenian dolma – she smiled.

Elena came close and hugged Sabir. – If the borders open one day, come visit us. I will marry you to Arpi myself. 

Sabir became red. But this proposal was just right for him. He dreamt of coming back one day. 

- I want to see you in Baku one day - “Bir gün sizi Bakıda yenidən görmək  istəyirəm.” 

- Maybe. 

Sabir and Sarkis started heading out, increasing the distance between them and Elena. Elena watched them  without moving until they were off the horizon. Until then, they had exchanged glances a few times. Each kept his weapon ready at hand until  the end. One sudden movement by eitherwould be the end of the other one. Sabir had a machine gun, he  had an advantage, but if Sargis was first to act, nothing would help him. 

- Do you know the way? – Sabir asked. 

- Yes. These are our lands. I know every inch of it. 

- If you want to kill me, go away. Don’t fool me, I will not do anything. Just don’t give me to the soldiers, that’s enough. 

- I promised I wouldn’t. I am bound to my word. 

- How do you know the language? Did you also live in Baku? 

- No. I lived here. Learning was not difficult. There was a school here in the old days and the older generation interacted with each other, so they know the language. 

- You can talk better than me. – Sabir smiled. 

Hearing Sabir say that, and in that tone angered Sarkis. 

- She told me what had happened to Edik. Maybe it will not change anything, but I wish he wasn’t harmed in this conflict. We couldn’t move out, we were sucked in at the last minute, we could save them. But we couldn’t do this either. I am sorry. If only he could get his legs back legs could come back… 

Sarkis’s anger grew as Sabir continued to talk. Nothing he said was important. The plans that he had made yesterday had to be abandoned. Not only could he not do any harm to him, but he also had to protect him. Perhaps, he thought for a moment, that he should lead him to the  minefields. This way he would keep his word and, at the sometime, get to car. 

- If you talk just a bit more, I will forget my word. You are responsible for Edik. Don’t talk nonsense and try to show yourself clean. 

- It’s not only people from your side who have died. If there is a war, it means that both sides have suffered. 

Sarkis stopped.  

- You will cross from here. Be careful. There are no mines here, but someone might see you from far away. 

Sabir extended his hand toward Sarkis, but Sarkis didn’t shake it. 

- If you think that I am doing you a favor, don’t. I am just keeping my promise. I am regretting it and I always will. But I want to say something to you. Go away and never come back!

- I promised Elena thatI will.  

Sabir set out on the path Sarkis had pointed him to. He expected to be shot from the back, but the shot never came. He continued and disappeared in the horizon. Sarkis didn’t care much  if Sabir made it back safe and sound. He kept his promise. His well-being did not concern him. 

Sabir only had one thought on his mind on the way back.

Will the war ever end? If it will, how?